Allen Hartwig

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Apr 13

Twitter, Tweetie and Ads

So as you know by now, assuming you have a pulse, Twitter has integrated ads into their service, officially and finally establishing a monetization model (Hey, imagine that! A business looking to make money!).  If I hear one more arrogant mother f*¢ker make the brilliant editorial comment of “The only question left is, will users click Twitter ads?” I am going to sodomize a platypus. 

Really? I mean, seriously? You don’t think they have spent the last four years, holding off on a revenue stream, despite the millions of users and massive adoption, just to release some shoddy ad model that results in zero clicks? You do know what Twitter is right? Its a lifestream. Users tweet anything and everything. They know who you are. They know your interests. They know who you follow. They know what links you click on. They know you take a crap at 10am every day and buy milk on Wednesdays (for my sanity, please stop tweeting this information). With all this you don’t think they can properly position a targeted ad for a paying sponsor that results in click throughs?! 

Oh and lets not forget the acquisition of Tweetie. No one seems to see the connection here. A massive amount of Twitter’s usage comes from mobile devices, some being SMS text based usage others from apps. Obviously they will start a pissing match with the carriers if they begin texting ads to their users, so what needs to be done? Focus on apps, not SMS. I guess they heard the iPhone was kinda popular and from what I hear, they aren’t complete idiots. They know proper ad integration with the mobile experience is important for a successful ad platform. So what do they do? They buy the best god damn Twitter iPhone app, slash the $2.99 price tag down to $0.00 and bring the developer in house.

Count on Twitter pimping the app to everyone and their grandmother, and then constantly tweaking it to ensure mobile ads perform better and better and better. They want the mobile experience to be in their control just as the web experience is. Guy Kawasaki predicted that they may piss off the developer community with this acquisition, and that is very possible. But this isn’t about a happy developer community. This is about controlling your revenue model. This is about cash-money. 

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Mar 15

Google Was So Yesterday

Today Venture Beat reported that Facebook has more market share of Internet traffic than Google. Let me give you a moment for that to sink in.

Waits patiently…

Every hesitation towards social media officially has no merit. Whatever your respect for Google, your Google placement and your Google Pagerank is, your respect of Facebook should be greater. Social media as a whole demands ever more respect, after all, Facebook is just one slice of the social pie.

Google is not going away. Search and SEO/SEM will always have their place. Hell, people still send direct mail. But social media has the the most eyeballs. Make sure your budgets reflect this accordingly.

Mark my words: I am done with naysayers, wary hearts and hesitations towards social media and its value. The evidence is indisputable. Evolve or die. 

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Mar 13

→ Look At My GOPness!!

I just launched a spankin’ new site called GOPness. What does this little dandy do, you ask? Enter your Twitter name and it calculates your GOPness – or how Republican you are. Super, scary accurate. Or something.

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Mar 11

The Hate Mail Begins

Today I have advanced to a new level of Internet meme; Producing something that generates enough attention to catch the eye of the minority that wants you to keel over for your work. I am so honored!

I gave him the Al Franken hate mail treatment (fake canned replies). Without further ado, here is the conversation.

Praben:
Allen, You are a useless piece of sh*t… Your Toyota Simulator is nothing short of slander and I support anyone that wants to bring up litigation against you. I hope you crash your 7Series into a f*cking oak tree, you worthless excuse for a human being….. F*ck off…..

Me:
Thank you for contacting me regarding my Toyota Simulator. Due to the volume of email I receive daily, I am unable to personally reply to everyone. I am glad you enjoyed my Toyota Simulator and I thank you in advance for spreading the word.

Kindest Regards,

Allen Hartwig

Praben unfortunately chose not to reply. Lucky for me, there aren’t many Oak trees in the Pacific Northwest. Mr. Praben has the awesome email handle of “jagerbombjag@yahoo.com”. Feel free to let him know your thoughts.

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Mar 09

Wanted: Entrepreneurial Web Dev

I am looking for a few fine individuals that are wicked-savvy with jQuery and PHP and are hungry for glory on the interwebs. I have several small viral/social projects in the pipe that require your expertise.

What I bring to the table: Strategy, IA, UX, Design and half-assed front end development.

What You bring to the table: the ability to quickly churn out clean, efficient, damn-right-sexy code and the might to bend XML shaped spoons with your mind.

Let’s do this.

Overly forward clarification: THIS IS NOT A PAYING GIG. Entrepreneurs need only apply. The pie will be divided when the pie exists.

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Mar 07

Toyota Simulator Goes Viral!

Within a mere three days of the launch of Toyota Simulator, I think it’s safe to say that it has gone viral. It has garnered over 100,000 unique hits, and the onslaught of traffic is showing no sign of decline. Here are a few interesting little tidbits for you to gnaw on.

  • Featured on the front page of
  • Social media craziness of
    • 8,000+ Facebook shares
    • 1,000+ Twitter shares
  • Appearances on over a thousand blogs and forums including
    • Dvorak.org (Columnist for PC Magazine)
    • Virtualr.net (Never heard of these guys, but they sure do send a lot of traffic)
  • Woopra kicks down free realtime statistics for the project
    • Budget for a secondary monitor on top of the analytic fee
    • Oh and also never being able to walk away from your desk (iPhone App please?!)

I’ll keep you updated as the madness continues. All I can hope at this point is that I land some work to, at the very least, account for the hosting fees.

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Mar 03

→ Toyota Simulator

I have taken my years of analysis and web expertise to bring you a simulation of the sudden acceleration issues plaguing Toyota vehicles right now. This has been optimized for maximum reality to illustrate a true life experience of the matter at hand.

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Feb 26

Where is the Social ROI?

It seems to be the thorn in every social media enthusiast’s side – the skeptic’s “Where is the ROI?” rebuttal. You want to never hear this question again? It’s quite simple.

STOP CALLING IT SOCIAL MEDIA MARKETING!

There is one word the client hones on on when you say this: “Marketing.” It’s probably the only word they understood in your pitch. You ramble on about your tweeters and facespaces, joining the conversation, and how people instinctually flock to the social interwebs like the salmon of Capistrano. But what that all boils down to in the ears of your prospect is “new marketing medium.” And what is expected of all marketing expenses? ROI, man. R-O-frickin’-I.

So now you get it. You have seen the light and are ready to change your ways. What do you call it? I have a few ideas, but, in true form, let’s socialize the decision.